1. |
Flowers and You
03:34
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I’m heartsick
and well rehearsed
Highly decorated
with a badge that reads
“it could be worse”
So prideful I choose
to live in disguise
with a levee set
for my heavy eyes
I apologize for the grief
When you’d refuse to eat
I didn’t know
just what to say
While watching you
wither away
I’m homesick
and living in the past
Seemingly unfazed and strong if anyone asks
I’m keeping up appearances with white lies
with a levee set
for my heavy eyes
I apologize for the grief
When you’d talk about belief
I didn’t know
just what to say
While watching you
wither away
it was time this whole time
we can’t undo or rewind
Just a simple conversation
About nothing much at all
Couldn’t keep me in the room
I just kept walking
down the hall
But now I understand
Just what a fool I’d been
No matter what the context
I won’t have that time again
(and I live with that)
I took inventory
of what I took for granted and I ended up with more than I imagined
I’ve kept it bottled up and to myself in the cellar kept for my ever-changing mental health
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2. |
New Halloween
03:27
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Somehow it’s already been a year
Embracing all diversions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn’t there
I was told that you wouldn’t have known
Told myself I was where you’d want me to be
(but it’s not that easy)
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been
a year?
I skip over songs, because they’re too hard to hear
Like track two on Benji
or “What Sarah Said”
They just hit too close when I’m already in my head
I was told that you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
(but it’s not that easy)
Somehow it’s already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven’t found the courage to listen to your last message to me
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3. |
Rapture
03:11
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With so much gloom surrounding
I feel cornered up against a wall
Pulled down and slowly drowning
Taking bets on who is
next to fall
I saw the glass
as half full
So I felt I could ask
for more
I was comfortable
It spilled over onto
the floor
I begged to go back
to before
With the damage done
And the damage won
Like a wave
Like the rapture
Something you love is gone
Like a wave
Like the rapture
Something you love is gone
Someone you love is gone
And leaves you fractured
i saved the worst for last
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4. |
Displacement
02:11
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You died at 69
With a body full of cancer
I asked your god
“how could you”
But I never heard an answer
No one saw it coming
the Diagnosis of stage four
The bravest woman I knew
That survived it once before
Last week I crashed my car
I walked away unscathed
Maybe that was you
Asking me to keep my faith
You’d cry at the thought
Of never seeing me again
If there was an afterlife
Or what you’d call heaven
I’ve never felt so selfish, it’s not what I prefer
I always kept it honest, especially for her
She gave me her best,
she swore I was her heart
I couldn’t worship the god that let her fall apart
I’m not sure what I believe
well I think that’s understood
but I know she’s looking out for me
The way she said she would
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5. |
Benediction
03:39
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It’s an ugly day in Glendale in a place that you once knew
Where you helped that senile woman that now has outlived you
I’m still taking it all in
I’m adapting to this loss
I wonder if she
remembers you
How could she have forgotten
There’s a crack in this shell and some light is shining through
As I sorted through the pieces that told the stories I never knew
You left a hole in this earth and you paid for it up front
I had to fill it with dirt while your friend sang
the song
May the Lord, mighty God,
Bless and keep you forever;
Grant you peace,
perfect peace,
Courage in every endeavor
It was a sunny day in Norfolk next to the tree that caught your eye
I walked the ground you grew on with my brother at my side
I’m still taking it all in
I’m adapting to this loss
People say with time
it gets easier
But I just think that they
are wrong
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6. |
Eight Seconds
01:32
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There is no dress rehearsal
Just a script that I’ve never read
A sad story that is universal
A vague idea of what
to expect
Is it curtains already
I haven’t learned my lines
Is it curtains already
I just thought that we’d have more time
A missed call with a message attached
“We need to talk when you have a chance”
I stood frozen in that Gainesville venue
Not knowing how to react
Is it curtains already?
I haven’t learned my lines
Is it curtains already?
I’ll improvise
Not surprising I put off the call
Socialized and put up
a wall
Anything to prolong
the chances
Before confirming she was really gone
I crossed SW 2nd Street
Made the call and stared at my feet
“She passed away about
an hour ago
While you were onstage living the dream”
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7. |
Palm Dreams
02:26
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What was it that brought you west?
I assumed but can
only guess
It’s the questions that went unasked
That appear when time
has passed
It felt like many years
Taking apart our home
I dug through 40 years
All alone
On my own
Was it all the palm trees
Placed where they shouldn’t be
That made you feel complete
In this land of make believe
Like going 65 on the 5 at 5
I am still bereaved
Come every ocean breeze
What was it that brought you west?
Where I lay my head to rest
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8. |
Softer Spoken
01:55
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When words are softer spoken, they often sound the best
Now so interwoven they’ve burrowed in my chest
I’m all used up I’m out
of steam
Vacationing somewhere
in between
A city named catharsis and the other called empty
In one I feel so common and the other I am royalty
I’m seeking out a place, one to give me peace
(and everything between)
Because ever since you died
I can’t control anything
Everything feels new
built from catastrophe
Just when I get a hold
it slips away from me
I’ve always relied on melody
I’ve come to rely on love
But there’s absence
in my heart
when I know I have enough
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9. |
Posing Holy
02:47
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A sugar scented sinful message that everyone saw through
Now subterfuge and Manhattan blues seem to dictate my mood
I’ve counted blessings while confessing
I’ve some to spare
Beg or borrow
swallow sorrow
I’ve come prepared
It’s a right of passage
It’s a torch to carry
When you feel that damage
And it’s extraordinary
The oscillating toll it’s taking on everyone involved
We’ll find connections through extensions to not feel so alone
It’s an initiation
Conducted at bedside
To a steady beat
To help keep time
We’re all focused on holding onto
All that we have got
While we’re drifting slowly and posing holy
for all that we are not
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10. |
Water Damage
03:52
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You couldn’t help
but spill your glass
onto that night stand
So that wood
raised and cracked
You came to have such shaky hands
Those patriotic coffee cups that came in a set of four, became three when I found a handle broken off on the tile floor
Where you used to cook our meals while you watched that small TV that was so dangerously placed above the kitchen sink they’ve all gone away
Again I find myself focused on the insignificance
Like there will be a revelation that’ll make a difference
That night when you
took the wrong dose
and weren’t making any sense is a night that I often remember and one
I wish I COULD forget
but it’s there to stay
It’s been replaying
over and over
The words they echo
over and over
When you leaned in and said
“We both know what this is”
And I haven’t
recovered since
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11. |
Skyscraper
03:53
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Atop the skyscraper
One hundred and two floors
New York City
It was yours
You live there
under the lights
Below the busy streets
We watched your dreams unfold
New York City
It’s all yours
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touche amore Los Angeles, California
TWO-SHAY
AH-MORE-AYE
:)
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